The grown-up way to maintaining friendships and why being curious is helpful

When I graduated from university a few months ago, an older friend joked: “Welcome to the world of only talking about work and plans for your next annual leave.”

At the time, I laughed at what I thought was a playful exaggeration on her part. But now, as my peers and I take our first steps into the world of full-fledged working adulthood, I already feel the quiet restlessness she warned me about creeping in.

Back in our university days when we all lived on campus, there was always something new happening – school events, late-night adventures, spontaneous suppers, shared projects and, of course, the occasional drama between classmates and roommates. Every time we gathered, there seemed to be something new to talk about.

Now, our conversations often traverse the same loop over the same few topics: work updates, weekend plans and shared memories. 

This could simply be part of how friendships naturally stabilise over time. But on my way home from another such dinner last week, I caught myself wondering: Were we already trapped in the inevitable cycle of mundane dreariness, or is this the steady comfort that adult friendships are meant to provide?

FAMILIARITY CAN BE HEALTHY

Experts point to a few common factors that contribute to the “flattening” of friendships. For instance, life transitions such as graduating or starting a family can reduce the time and energy we have to invest in friendships.

Diverging interests or a tendency to avoid conflict in order to preserve harmony can also make relationships feel less dynamic over time.

However, that is not to say all our social connections have to be new and exciting. Familiarity often plays an important function in our social lives. 

Some “boring” friendships are exactly what we need in terms of offering us a safe space to unwind and be ourselves. Not every friend has to challenge us or spark new ideas (as an introvert, the very thought of this already exhausts me). 

Dr Kenneth Tan, an assistant professor of psychology at Singapore Management University (SMU), said: “Having a boring friendship is a normal thing and healthy for the most part, because it signifies stability and safety.

“There is comfort, predictability and shared routines between you and your friend or friendship group.”

Dr Vincent Oh, senior lecturer of psychology at Singapore University of Social Sciences (SUSS), agreed that repetition is not necessarily a bad thing.

Revisiting shared memories can even have benefits.

“Nostalgia can give one a sense of coherence and meaning, and make people feel more connected to their own past as well as to others due to a sense of shared history,” Dr Oh added.

Familiarity in a friendship doesn’t mean it is failing. The problem is distinguishing between a steady rhythm that is healthy and a state of stagnation that may not be so beneficial for us.